Playing Games

One of my mentors shook my foundation last week – he put forth the premise that we are almost always playing a game with ourselves.  It is an unconscious game that comes from whatever wounds we have from our past.   There is the deflated game where we identify with our wound and all the ways it makes us small.  Then there is in the inflated game where we go all out to prove that we are not the wound.

And let’s be honest, we’ve all been wounded in a myriad of ways so we are likely playing multiple games when we separate from our source, our power, our presence. 

Inferior vs Superior
Useless vs Over Achiever
Crazy vs In the Know

And my personal favorite and the one that when I operate on autopilot that I default to; VICTIM vs SAVIOR.   I was utterly crushed after we did the exercise to determine what our game is and even at that moment I was still hiding from the truth of my game.   It took all weekend for me to admit what my primary game is and to identify some of my behaviors that let me know when I’ve fallen into its trap.

I have spent 45 years trying to “fix” myself – to “rise above” my childhood and in a moment’s clarity, I see how that language just perpetuates the game.   Becoming cognizant of my inner victim has helped me understand why I spent 25 exhausting years building a business based on “saving” people, mostly from themselves.

It was when COVID hit and my business came crashing down that I became very aware that I was no longer available to be “Needed”. I only wanted to work with clients who “Want” me.   A part of me was already learning to reject my inner victim’s need to be a savior – I just didn’t have the words for it.   

None of this surprises me, not the games I’ve played or the fact that I started to shift and evolve prior to conscious understanding.  I know my energy proceeds me and that I, right now, am subject to the gifts and healings of my past, present, and future.

Over and over during last week’s workshop, we were reminded that awareness brings choice.   And that is the quantum mechanics of it all – once you have an awareness of a state you can shift state in an instant.

I was a victim, I’ve played the savior.

I have felt unworthy and I’ve been arrogant.

I have been invisible and I’ve been disruptive.

I’ve been less than and I’ve done all the work.

I’ve won and lost the game.

Now I have new eyes and a new path – one of presence and sovereignty.  Being in the now, allowing my breath to bring me back to the stillpoint where I am one with my source and complete in the knowledge that I am fully resourced.  

I’m sure I’ll play the games again but not now, not today.